So much going on, so little time:

The US Women's Soccer team took Norway apart at the seams yesterday, winning 4-0 in a country where they've never won before, getting the goals from four different players.

The women look ready to do some damage at the Olympics.

While we're on the subject, here's a great look at the US WOMEN'S TEAM that Pia Sundhage is taking to Beijing by the increasingly indispensable Lindsey Dolich.

I know most of you don't follow the ladies too closely - to each his own and all that - but when you feel like checking in and seeing what's up, Dolich is where to go. She's currently doing some of the best soccer writing - regardless of gender - in the US today.


Of course, our own Beau Dure isn't too bad with a keyboard either, and he has AN INTERESTING NOTE ABOUT CLETUS working out with the Gals, along with some germane comments regarding the Revs remarkable ability to overcome.

Maybe that Nicol guy can make it in this business. And maybe someday soon Paul Mariner will get the shot he deserves, which will be sad news for NE fans but - I'm willing to wager - a smart move for whoever hires him.

As for Mathis, perhaps...

Bill Archer

Apparently I'm just catching up to "THE GREATEST SOCCER COMPETITION IN WORLD HISTORY".


Saturday night in Reliant Stadium A WHOLE BUNCH OF FAMOUS GUYS WILL BE KICKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF BALLS and one of them will win a million bucks.


Meanwhile, a whole bunch of famous goalkeepers will be trying to stop them, for half as much money.

If this whole thing strikes you as really, really stupid, join the club: we're having some jackets made. The point of hitting ridiculous free kicks is not standing around cracking wise with some pals and then having a few goes.

Rather, it's bending it around a hostile wall in a hostile stadium when you're exausted from having played 87 minutes and your team is down a goal.

When they can duplicate THAT. let me know.


Maybe it's just me but lately it seems like THE MLS GOAL OF THE WEEK competition has become sort of like a TeenBeat "Vote for Which Jonas Brother You'd Like to Snuggle With" competition....

Bill Archer

Confirming weeks of speculation, Bob Luder of the Kansas City Star IS REPORTING THAT US INTERNATIONAL FORWARD JOSH WOLFF has reached a contract agreement with the Wizards and will report to the team immediately.


Wolff was out of contract with 1860 Munich and with his wife expecting another child the family felt it was time to return to the US.

Just how it is that everyone except Brian McBride is free to make their own deal without permission from a team located in a foreign country remains a mystery.

Bill Archer

It's no wonder people from other countries and other leagues have such a hard time comprehending the mysterious ways of Major League Soccer; those of us who have been following the league closely since 1996 often have the same problem.

Case in point: THIS REPORT FROM SHAWN MITCHELL OF THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH


Essentially, former Revolution hitter Pat Noonan wants to come back to MLS but isn't interested - for whatever reason - in going back to New England.

No problem though: the Columbus Crew is interested in the guy.

Over the last week the Crew has cut two guys (Nico Hernandez, who wants to go back to Argentina anyway, and Brazilian forward Guillthelme So) in what everyone recognized was an effort to clear some salary cap and roster space.

Reportedly, New England and the Crew have come to an agreement on a trade for Noonan's rights (he left on a free so the Revs still hold them). Furthermore, Noonan and the Crew have come to a salary agreement, and the Crew has reached an agreement on his transfer fee.

So everything's rosy, right? Welcome back to MLS, Pat Noonan.

Not...

Bill Archer

So the storybook tournament concluded with, appropriately, a storybook ending and most of the Iberian peninsula was transformed into the world's biggest party.


For Germany, there surely will be other days, other finals and other spotlights. Although if I were them I'd seriously consider leaving Michael Ballack at home. The guy has a closet full of ugly bridesmaid dresses but as yesterday's game wound down it was guys like Schweinsteiger and Lahm who seemed most affected by the impending loss.


Ballack had been there too many times before. He's learned how to lose.

Still, right up until the end, despite Spain's evident mastery on the ball, you could see an ending where Germany scored in stoppage time, won in PK's and left the pitch strewn with sobbing Spanish players. It was how the whole 22 days had gone.

It was inevitable. It was Germany. Teutonic determination rising up to smite Spanish passion.

But when Loew inexplicable removed Klose late in the game, the one man you were certain could score, you sensed that Germany...

Bill Archer

You just have to hand it to MLS:

Year after year, probably the biggest on-field problem they have - in other words, the biggest problem with their product - is the bewildering, stupefying and inexplicable officiating.

One week your team plays under a referee whose philosophy is "no autopsy, no foul", and the next week you play under some card-happy geek who spends all 90 minutes running around waving plastic at anything that moves.

Which brings us to Andrew Chapin, the referee for last night's abysmal San Jose- Chicago match, where said official showed yellow to seven players, three beer vendors and a corner flag.

In case you missed it, here's a littany of Mr. Chapin's bookings:

The first, on John Thorrigton, seemed a lot more like clumsiness than malice, but it's the closest he came to getting it right all night:


Chapin felt so good about it that, less than a minute later, he gave one to Corrales for God knows what:


Four minutes later, his card wallet begiing to cool down, Chapin punished this brutal assault...

Bill Archer

Judging by what we saw, perhaps the fact that the WNBA gave the Dallas-Houston match a good, swift Heidi was a good thing, since we were only subjected to 45 minutes of atrociousness instead of a full 90.

Be that as it may, since, as was pointed out by an alert correspondent the players weren't the only ones embarrassing themselves during the course of the half we were treated to, I herewith - in the interests of equity and fair play - give you an example of Referee Kevin Stott's performance; in this case, about as clear-cut a red card as you'll ever see:


Except of course, to Stott, cutting down an attacker from behind when he has a clear run to the goal does NOT fulfill the "obvious goal scoring opportunity" clause of the LOTG.

How can Stott get this call so obviously wrong? It's mind boggling.

What's more, this blatant chop down of Holden followed by less than ten minutes another cheap chop down of Holden, this one courtesy of serial hack artist Adrian Serioux:


When Holden's career - and Robbie Roger's, and a host of others - is prematurely...

Bill Archer

OK, here's something MLS has had enough of:

Marcelo Saragosa.

Acquired by Dallas from the Galaxy for the princely sum of a fourth round supplemental draft choice, this cheezy punk is a public embarrassment and if MLS is really serious about having some credibility then they've got to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

In case you missed it, here was the high point of his play last night against Houston:

(Unfortunately, this video is from far away and MLS had the good sense not to provide the slo-mo closeup that we saw during the live broadcast.)

Basically, there was DeRosario carrying the ball and Saragosa was a couple feet behind him with not one but two handfuls if DeRo's shirt.

DeRosario looked like a plow horse, pulling this clown across the field.

Finally, just as Saragosa decides he can't possibly do this any longer and lets go, Moron-in-Chief Kevin Stott sees fit to blow his whistle.

Play stops. Saragosa is three or four feet away from the nearest human being.

Then, suddenly, Saragosa crumples to the ground as if he's been shot. Literally.

No one touched him. There was not even a hint...

Bill Archer

This time the win didn't go to an underdog displaying grit and spirit and determination.

This time it wasn't a veteran side winning on experience and guile.

And this time, it wasn't a team that has done more folding, collapsing and choking than any one country ought to be required to endure reverting to form and going in the tank.


This time, this one glorious time, Spain grabbed the win in a big game, and they did it with such style, skill and confidence that it's hard to envision them losing to anyone, much less the plodding, predictable German team they'll face on Sunday.

You kept waiting for Spain to do what Spain always does: find a way to blow it.

Guus Hiddink (who would really look great wearing that US Soccer polo shirt right about now) had the Russia squad playing so far over their heads that you'd need a crane to get there while the Spaniards showed up carrying a decades-long history of international under achievement and frustration.

But a funny thing happened: Spain, classy and composed, refused to fold.

When you saw them out there in the pouring rain,...

Bill Archer

Herewith, a public service announcement for all of you who have yesterday's Germany-Turkey match cued up on your DVR, which you're planning on watching over Labor Day weekend - in 2011 - and don't want some jerk on BigSoccer to spoil the fun.

So, logically, not wanting to know the results of that game you've logged on to the country's biggest soccer fan site. Shrewd.


Now I suppose that I ought to just string you along, saying stuff like "WOW! What a great match! Particularly the second half, which was possibly the single greatest 45 minutes of soccer in world history!" and thereby increase your pain when you settle in to your Barcalounger, pop open a Stella, hit "PLAY" on the remote and end up staring at Julie Foudy for the better part of an hour.

Because as the rest of us know by now, bad weather knocked out the UEFA broadcast center in Vienna, killing the live feed for most of the second half, including three goals.

We did get the live picture back in time to see Lahm's gamewinner, but if you are willing to sit through maybe 40 minutes of Tommy Smith smiling politely while Julie prattles...

Bill Archer